"The name of this game is 'Uproar': 'Father comes home from work and finds fault with daughter, who answers impudently; or daughter may make the first move by being impudent, whereupon father finds fault. Their voices rise, and the clash becomes more acute. The outcome depends on who has the initiative. There are three possibilities: a) father retires to his bedroom and slams the door; b) daughter retires to her bedroom and slams the door; c) both retire to their respective bedrooms and slam the doors. In any case, the end of a game of Uproar is marked by a slamming door."

-- From the review of "Games People Play" by Dr. Eric Berne, a 55-year-old San Francisco psychoanalyst, written by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. It appeared in the June 11, 1965 issue of Life Magazine

Cut to 2011. Games Geezers Like Me Play … on Occasion.

"But, it helps me to relax!"

* Constantly whining to one's self-appointed therapy dog about "life in general."

* Complaining anonymously to "Sound Off."

* Finding fault on Facebook in order to start a minor squabble with perfect strangers.

* Having a second glass of "therapeutic wine" for lunch and then either finding fault on Facebook in order to start another minor squabble or complaining anonymously to "Sound Off." Or both.

* Having a pity party in the last disabled spot in the parking lot at OS Wal-Mart. ("I can't walk that far any more!") * Getting hysterical over trifles in the checkout line at OS Winn-Dixie. ("Please don't bang my apples around like that!")

* Reading the obituaries and secretly gloating when "old people" younger than me pass.

"See what you made me do!" ("It's all YOUR fault.")

* "Dear Abby" or her sister or their heirs and their "stupid advice."

* My dog underfoot.

* The neighborhood cat underfoot.

* Neighbors who call or visit when I'm napping.

* Glenn Beck.

* Deceased parents. ("If only you had appreciated me more!")

* Slow-moving traffic on inconvenient side streets.

"If only I didn't have this wooden leg (my age)."

* I wouldn't be so cranky.

"They did it to me. They really did."

* Teaching grandchildren how to hold a grudge.

* Taking vociferous umbrage at every public opportunity for minor infractions of courtesy.

* Sulking at weddings. (Called an aguafiestas in Spanish.)

* Frequently remembering out loud to anyone who will listen about having to walk to school in the snow "when I lived up North!"

"Judge 'n jury."

* You are no longer entitled to your own opinion, in my opinion.

* Dr. Phil and I both think you're nuts. Oprah agrees.

* I "mute" you every time I see you on TV!

Nevertheless …

May you be happy. May you be well. May you be safe.

E-mail comments (and any games YOU play, heh, heh, heh) to: kernellj@bellsouth.net/

Ocean Springs resident John Kernell's book, "1001 Things to DO in Retirement" is now an Amazon Kindle book.